an ode to pretending, a thing of the past.
ever since i was a child i have had to act like someone else. i've always had to be smart and mature, living up to my parents expectations. being childish was foreign to me, i was not allowed to simply be a child. i've always been told i was like an adult as a child, maybe it was the constant anxiety about the world. maybe i just wanted to impress the adults in my life and make them believe i was intelligent.
it's difficult for me to understand jokes, and even if i do i won't laugh if i don't find them funny. it's difficult for me to make friends so i avoid social situations or interacting with new people. i'll do it if i have to but i keep things surface level because i know if i don't they'll think i'm weird. i wish there was a way to truly express and be myself and still have everybody like me, but that feels impossible. i will always be weird, or too much. and i cannot fix that.
i tried for years to be calm and sweet and friendly, but i got to college and was kind of sick of it. i wanted to be authentic, yet i feel now is when i struggle most with making friends. i clung to my sweet and friendly persona for too long, and now i show my emotions regardless of the situation, which i feel is what pushes people away. i don't see why my emotions should be hidden. every time i try to match the vibe of a situation people get upset with me. yet i wouldn't trade who i truly am, even if it upsets me deeply when other people dislike the real me. even if the real me is volatile, emotional and reactive. even if the real me says no to social outings because they don't fit my routine or they're badly planned. i would rather be myself than be a liar, and i'm tired of pretending.